I knew it would happen. There was no avoiding it. I didn’t have to read all the books, newsletters and magazines to tell me that one day my sweet, quiet, mellow baby would turn into a seething hellbeast. I wasn’t naïve enough to think that my child would be the rare exception to the rule. The thing is, I didn’t think it’d be so soon!
Up until the past couple of months, I really had nothing to complain about. My child started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks. She had no problems taking a bottle when I weaned her at six months. She could care less. She didn’t take a pacifier so I knew I’d never have to fight that battle. She was just so… chill.
“Just like my husband,” I kept saying to people. Man, did I speak too soon.
Over the past month or so, my angelic, mellow baby has turned into the drama queen of the century and more often than not, we have no idea what sets her off. All of a sudden, she’ll throw herself down on the living room rug and start rolling around, wailing. Not crying, mind you, she’ll just let out this wail of misery and woe. It’s actually pretty funny to watch. We just let her flail about, trying to stifle our laughter, like we’re watching a telenovela.
If she’s not reprising the role that garnered her an Oscar nod, she’s honing her tantrums by bursting into tears of anger and convulsing like I’m trying to put her in a straight jacket. This makes getting a real jacket on her next to impossible.
The other day, she almost launched herself off the changing table, headfirst onto the floor. I picked her up, plopped her down on the floor and walked away. She continued throwing a fit for a while and then came into the bedroom where I was. I looked at her, something was off. As I got closer, the smell of puke got stronger and stronger. I went out into the hall where she had been and sure enough, there was her breakfast. I looked at her, she smirked. Was she sick? No. Not in the slightest. She was pissed. And now she was vindicated.
“Well played, kid. Well fucking played,” I thought to myself as I cleaned up the floor.
Then I realized with terror, she’s becoming more and more… like me. And thus began my entrance into the fifth circle of hell.